12:41 understandings

So, this is an odd type of post for me, and I am going to be very vulnerable and probably do a lot of rambling. But, it’s 12:41am and I’m pretty sure God is telling me to start writing, so I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I’m done.

I have changed a lot in the past two years. I moved to a new country, have made new friends, made some tough decisions, learned new things about the world and about myself, and who I am has changed as a result. And to be perfectly honest – I don’t know how I feel about that.

I used to feel surrounded by God’s presence at all times, probably because I went to church most every Sunday and had weekly bible studies. I haven’t been to church in months and bible study is not an opportunity I have found to be available to me. And to be frank, I didn’t look very hard. I tried to find a new home church in my new home country, and I got scared. I found a church that was very traditional and felt judged. I know that was not intended whatsoever, but it wasn’t the right fit for me. So I didn’t go back and I was too scared to keep looking. I was scared of feeling discouraged and further disconnected from church if I kept finding ones I didn’t fit into. So I stopped.

I have realised that regularly connecting to God at a set time each week has led my relationship with Him in the past. I thought that I could keep my faith the same, or even strengthen it, by challenging myself to go about my faith journey without the guidance a church would give me, and I don’t think I have succeeded. I can not explain the fact that I have felt called to work in church ministry as a career for years now and I chose to not regularly go to church for two years. Church is important, and without it, I am not the same person I used to be.

I am scared by the fact that I am not who I once was, but I have a feeling God is going to use this period in my life to show me something in the future. All I know now is that God is with me – even when I’m not in a church – and that He will always be with me no matter where I may go. I can never distance myself from His comfort and His love, no matter the number of wrong choices I make or the number of times I turn away from Him. 

I have also learned that I cannot handle the problems that this world presents on my own without God. I have tried, and I have crumbled as a result. I’ve picked up an unfortunate new habit of trying to compress and hide away the problems that plague me and handle them on my own. I ignore them until they pile up so high that I can’t breathe or function and I think at this very moment, at 12:54am, God is trying to tell me this is not healthy and not what is intended for my life. 

This has been a strange time in my life, but I think at this very moment I am realising that it can all change – and it should. My life is about to get a lot more hectic with final exams, summer plans, and going off to college, and I think this new understanding will help center me before I try to take any of that on. God is good and always has been, so here is to entering a new season of change – for the better.

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